The big secret is out. Apparently Pam told one of her friends that she was involved in a "love triangle" with B. Then the word spread, and one of my friends from Junior High caught wind and asked me about it. Then more people started asking me about it.
I didn't lie to them. I told them that B. had cheated on me. I left it at that. I did not go into more details. I them to ask Pam first if she didn't mind me telling other people, because I figured maybe she didn't want people to know she wasn't a virgin anymore. So I asked this one person, let's call him K. to ask Pam first if I could tell him what happened. And he, being such an assuming asshole, says "no need, I get it". Please tell me, how did HE understand when I didn't tell him anything, when he only has one side of the story? I am glad I do not socialize with that crowd anymore.
People have this idea that I hate Pam and that is why I do not speak to her. That is not true, I do not hate Pam. Nor did I blame her for B. cheating on me. I told her that very plainly, but by the end our our conversation that time, by the way she was still saying that I blamed her for everything, it was obvious she had not heard a word I said. So maybe she told people I hate her for nothing, and that is why I do not speak with her. Either way, I don't really socialize with these people anymore, so it really doesn't effect me.
My heart started pounding faster when K. first mentioned it to me. The subject still hurts me, and I hope one day I can talk about it easily and not feel a stab of pain in my chest. It's not that I am afraid of people knowing, I know my closest friends will not judge me for staying, nor will they hate him for cheating. The people who know are not my close friends, I once thought they were, but they really weren't. It wasn't the fact that other people know, it was that they were asking me about it and it was like a reminder. It stung to hear it from someone else beside myself or B. I have to learn to deal with that though.
I know that Pam thinks that I don't talk to her anymore, but in actuality she stopped talking to me. In our last conversation she simply stopped talking when I told her for about the 20th time that I do not blame her for B. cheating on me. She just stopped talking. We weren't face to face, we were talking online because she would not pick up my phone calls. Either way, she just stopped responding. I know she received my messages because the last thing I asked her was to please return the CDs, do it whenever you have time. She returned it a couple days later. Then at the park, I said hello and goodbye, but she never responded to me. Although she DID respond when B. said goodbye.
I admit, I am bitter. I wish B. had never done this. Maybe I wouldn't be in so much pain, and I'd have an extra friend. Namely, the extra friend part. I know pain goes away, with work and will, and time. Friends however, those won't always comes back. I know it's not B.'s fault. He said that it takes one person to make a friend, but it takes TWO to stay friends. Pam obviously doesn't want to stay friends. When I approached her wanting to iron things out she immediately attached me calling me a self-righteous goody-goody.
I asked B. if I was a "goody-goody". He said that Pam just has this warped paradign about people and once she gets set into it, she won't get out of it. He said I don't do it to look good, I do the right thing because it's the right thing. I have been wondering more about that lately. About me being a goody-goody. While I was at work, one of my friends was leaving at two in the afternoon to hang out with one of our friends. He asked me to come along and I declined because I had work to do. He told me that the work could be done tomorrow, it wasn't anything urgent, like they needed it immediately. It wasn't urgent, but nonetheless, I stayed at work. He said, "Oh come on, don't be such a goody-two-shoes". I know that I shouldn't let that get to me, but it does.
A lot of things get to me now. Yesterday evening, I saw my jeans hung over the back of B's chair. I kicked it off because it reminded me of seeing Pam's jeans hanging off the back of his chair the day I walked into him cheating on me. Sometimes it gets to me at night, and I just cry and cannot stop.
I really just hope to get over this, to be able to talk about it and not feel pain. I guess I could look on it as a wake up call. It told me something was seriously wrong with our relationship. Of course, that's no excuse to cheat on someone, but B. and I do have a lot to fix in our relationship on top of getting over this.